I am alive.

So wow. It has been many years since my last post. Many more than I realized. I've written a million posts in my head during my 5-year hiatus. And believe me when I tell you they were GOOD. REALLY funny, spunky, thought-provoking, terrific... REALLY.

But all you really need to know is that 5 years changes things. Five years changes everything. I'd like to think I've matured, but I haven't really. I wish I could say that I've learned life lessons that will no-doubt move you to tears. But that is not the case either. In five years I've gotten older, fatter, grumpier, and just plain crazier. My memory appears to have taken a permanent vacation, my skin sags in unexpected places and doubly so in the expected places, I've grown to hate crowds, most people, social events and even my favorite pasttimes. My bones ache, my wrinkles have wrinkles and my freckles have freckles. I even have those LINES around my lips that lipstick seems to find its way into on the rare occasion that I bother to put it on. How did this happen? Wish I knew.

My children continue to grow up despite my intention to keep them close and young and following all of my wonderful advice. I now have a 19 year old Freshman in college who recently told me that she actually didn't NEED my "permission" to change her major. However, she does require a "parental guarantee" in order to sign a lease for an apartment next year. Hmmm. Really honey? I think I'm going to REQUIRE that you seek "permission" to change your major, BEFORE I agree to GUARANTEE your ability to pay your rent in the future.

My 14 year old middle child and oldest boy has outgrown me in many ways. He went from 2 inches shorter than me at the beginning of the school year to towering over me in the last 2 weeks it seems. His shoe size LITERALLY went from a 7 to a 10 in two months. I can't keep him in jeans, shirts, shoes, or jackets. And lastly, I finally understand what other moms say about teenage boys eating them out of house and home. I can't seem to keep enough cereal and almond milk in the house to satisfy his voracious (yet picky) appetite. His other chief complaint? I'm out of books. I'm out of books. I'm out of books. He almost had to repeat kindergarten because he couldn't read as the end of the year drew near. I purposed to catch him up, and he did indeed catch up... then proceeded to surpass most of his peers, and even his older sisters. Perhaps a gift of his Aspergers Syndrome diagnosed in 2008, but certainly an interesting part of who he is. He has read nearly all of the selections of my Book Club, all of the required reading for both his high-school-aged sisters, as well as anything at the library that strikes his fancy. His newest passion? A computer game where he is building/creating his own city one brick at a time. I see architecture in his future.

At the other end of our familial pack is my precious baby boy. My youngest child with the contagious giggle that can brighten the darkest day was diagnosed with hearing loss and significant delays two years ago possibly stemming from his premature birth, maybe not. He continues to struggle with developmental issues, and he stands a full head shorter than the shortest girl in his kindergarten class. Bless his sweet, wee heart. But he loves his life and every single person he meets including the kids who pick on him on the school bus. I love that about him.

And keeping the balance of estrogen to testosterone on equal footing since one daughter left for college are my two adorable girls, 17 and 8. They keep me as sane as can be expected and bring flowers, art and beauty to my otherwise bizarre peri-menopausal life. As different as they are similar, they both add more sugar and spice to our familial mix than I could ever have imagined when they were born. I'll take all the drama they have to offer and more... because I guess I have learned something in the last 5 years... being a woman is tough. Being a 40+ year old woman is tougher. And as much as I love, adore and appreciate the men in my life, there is no substitute for the love of a sister or a daughter. I have lost friends in the last 5 years... one to breast cancer just last week, one to my own stupidity and selfishness, and once I thought I lost my sister. But in the end, it has been the women in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today. And it is the women I know that have taught me how to love the men in my life and my children better. It is the woman in my life, including those I have lost, that have made me want to do ME better.